Esoteric Online

Im going to journal in my phone significant and not so significant moments that I found journal worthy. Then ill post it here weekly so I can see if there's any growth in how my being is. No set goals no real purpose except self observation thoughts and for my knowledge. I invite any one to do this with me...we can see similarities or if we notice any thing that we may not have noticed before ....

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Last night.... All I wanted to do was love myboyfriend...ended up getting drunk and in a huge fight over me really not being sure if hes honest. Realised it didn't matter I gotta love me but it was too late we already were intoxicated and mad at each other past the point of being civilized with one another. We yelled pulled and even slapped each other angrily playful but in mycase I wanted to hurt him. Realised I love us both way to much need to get off him and love me. Packed and went to a hotel room. Took. Lyft. Called two old friends one stopped by gave me a pen so I could write and past out because he knew me being alone and upset around here in the night was dangerous. Texted another friend just as insecure and passed as myself... Got some people yo listen without judgment and just be there. Sadly realised that's the one thing I valued and was missing so bad between myboyfriend and I. Thinking he really may not have loved me purely at all...not sure what to think. Hoping it'll work itself out. Hating hoping... Feeling broken hearted...blogging it out. Its helping. 10.29.16
if I'm not dreaming through my pen then I'm acting out in my own nightmare. I tried to talk to people but it's not simple well I'd like to think it once was. my mind wanders way too much almost like it's a never-ending crutch. Sometimes creepy things happen and I can't explain it.... Without sounding like a weirdo. I guess most people notice it and kind of ignore it because that weird shit doesn't matter, but I can't help but notice the weird shit is linked. Linked to things in my life and im unclear as to whether it is impacting influencing inspiring or controlling my life in any way. I guess it only does if I let it. Writing it out sheds light on it so in a way I shine light by writing it out . I may very well be an average no one whose grammatically incorrect and more nursery rhyme then clever, but at least I know I have an outlet to this madness one way or another.... There is hope for me. Is used to be so great with words until they were taken away. Guess it is time to work on bringing them back.10.19.16
I smiled because my boyfriend actually included me in what he was doing without me saying a word. Called me...asked how I felt about his options in cars and life. .I smiled because my Co workers deceitfully stole my beat up foot heater but they got me a brand new one that doesn't smell funny and is super quiet. I felt loved today. And Jason gets to talk to Jayden and he needs that like I need my kids. Today I felt love. Not all creepy or excited like. Just content like. Not too much. For once.
Sometimes I wonder if he really is for real or if I'm just a game to him. Sometimes he can just be so cruel. I thought boyfriends were supposed to be an added joy to life. Like some one you enjoy being around some one who makes you feel appreciated loved and wanted? Am I wrong for feeling unattractive because he wont touch me or tells me I want sex too much? I don't think no i know I don't ask for it all the time and when I do im rejected. He doesmt take me anywhere special for like me it all benefits him. I can't even get a good night kiss I feel like a cancer. Then when he is nice I don't want to be touched because I feel like hes going to just keep treating me like dirt if im nice back. This is q ducking nightmare. And when I try to talk to him hes too tired or im crazy. I hate this relationship. It makes me uneasy insecure and uncomfortable. I deserve a guy who without me asking makes me a part of his life takes me out just me and him makes love to me tells me im pretty. And shows it. Not this fuckinhogwash of me questioning if he loves me today or not. This mind numbing consumption is a waste of my time. I shouldt have to feel this may not even be him its our hurt and I can't make him attracted I can't make him talk and I don't want to. Cuddled with my cat cried a bit silently....hoping tomorrow is better 10.23.16
In that moment I did hate the relationship. Im 28...hes30. Sex isn't everything but it is important in a relationship. It is. If your not attracted or with that excitement for each other... When I feel it ...I don't know. I thought we enjoyed that exploration. Lately I feel like an old beat up chew toy has bored with
Contemplating jealousy because other people are so happy.... I feel like im not given the same respect. Desire and I come around to talking. She's not so bad....I guess I get upset because Jason used to love me like Joe loves desire...and for some reason I am unsure as to what's really going on because I hear more and more of what they do after the fact and im not around. I feel he gives me this impression one thing is going on when really its something else...sad because I valued being apart of his life and him being so open...I get more insecure and hold resentments a bit because I feel he does it more and more. I feel like its a betrayal to some degree and it makes me assume more is coming when I shouldn't waste my tome with the thought. I try to talk to him....I feel more alone and stupid. 10.24.16
**realise Joe n desire been friends trying to have a good time. Feeling like my boyfriend puts me down alot and keeps seeing me in this fucked up way. Almost like im his ex wife but im not. Asking myself how is he my best friend when he seems so uninterested and frustrated by me and can't talk to me....
Some point in the week bought a car. Saw some good options. Felt really good when he talked with me about the car to get. Felt so good to feel like my friend was back and wants me around afterall
My boyfriend asked his friend to pick me up. He was frustrated about it but it made me feel good that he put in some effort. I also had a huge accomplishment at work. I saw effort so I changed really quickly my thinking. Still wondering what's up...afraid somewhat because I love it when we get along.... Don't want to loose this moment or this day. I guess its not an accomplishment as it is so much knowing what I'm doing or learning to do things right. Anyway. I experienced some relief. I'm disappointed I won't be able to have my kids this weekend. Reality is my roommates haven't had a weekend to themselves at the house in a month because my kids have been there... And they have been kind enough to respect our space... And they've been planning this Halloween party for a while so I guess its all part of sharing space. My boyfriend bought a police interceptor suprosingly and impressively he took out the transmission and is having it rebuilt. I have an appointment Monday to get eye glasses and an appointment on Thursday for dmv to reinstate my license. Long slow process but I am writing down what's going on so I don't forget. Good and bad. So I can remember I'm always going to be alright. 10.26.16
10.28.16 realised my vsp eye insurance through work not valid through the first. Bonded with coworkers took one to lunch. She seemed super stress and she's so fun when she's not baring all that stress. As we all are. Any way...changed apoijtment to wed morning. New found appreciation for the knowledge and opportunities this job is offering. Super greatful
October 25th I tried encouragement instead of complaining about what bothered me. Helped tremendously. And I got what I ultimately wanted but didn't know how to get just by refocusing. I gotta tune into that mode more often. I have also been snacking on fruits n veggies instead of crackers and bull shit. Also helps October 25. 2016
Seeing my life fall away. Really kept a positive attitude, Joe got upset at me for stomping at the dog n making a loud noise on the ground (he thought I kicked her) which in honesty I moved that dog with my foot (not mean but in mooooove type frustration) we all have daily actually....but in that moment no. More tangents emotions ran high Jason stood up for me abit but i overheard them argue. Like they want me to go because im the problem. ...I really cook clean come home and restock everything in that house with desire ....Jason kind of i think told him I want leaving. I felt scared. Hid it with tough girl attitude feeling unwanted and like im just the problem in there life? Im no innocent but I really am not bad either. Shrugged it off. Found out more stuff Jason ommitted. Felt really like dirt. Like i freak out because I find out from our friends stuff that I have no clue he did. Stuff that boyfrirbds girlfriends hell friends share with each other. Totally made us all go into liquor dive mode. Peeked through his phone like a stalker.....still popping question of if hes married or not. Got upset slapped him upside the head out of anger .... If he was serious I feel like he would put an end to the confusion and get the 125 for records. He insults me. Ok .... We get loud n tussle and were both heart broken now. He wants me to believe him I want to but I feel like the one thing. I really held pure well as pure as possible that I haven't done or attempted was marriage. Not the certificate or ceremony no actually yes.... I dreamed of it as a kid. Nothing fancy just a man declaring he loves me in such a way. Feel secondary because he really doesn't see that its killing me. I want to leave. He wants to leave. We are so mad in the moment and its both our fault and I can't pick up the phone and be to me because I feel like a burden in so many ways or like im just there and not at all anything to him. I had to go. He called me out my name again then tried to be nice then I pull away then try to be nice. Ugh im exhausted fighting myself and exhausted fighting for some one to listen. I feel im disgracing my opportunities im high and drunk and alone in a damn hotel room. I had to go. I can't see us angry like this. I don't hate him. I really appreciated desire and Joe making an effort and talking to me this week. Even Jason trying. Trying not to take last night seriously because we were drunk and loaded I feel like this Halloween party is going on tonight that we planed for andbecause I'm not there I take blame for it all. And I don't understand this happening Gotta Love Me and I need to get my nails done and do anything but worry about what has doing. Its morning. No call. Wondering if he ever even cared. It is what it is. I have a room. Im ok here with just me. It would be nice to know or hear him call just to see if Im safe or Im okay. Don't people do that when they care? I want to call him but won't because last night hurt my heart. What do we do? Lack of talking makes me assume the worst and pick up the pieces and try to keep going because we will work it out or not. Im glad I started writing. Its not so heavy of weight on my shoulders. 10.29.16. Imgoing to be getting my nails done today. I deserve to still feel beautiful and I need some pampering.


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