Who am I? what am I? There are so many voices inside my head.
So many faces, so many versions of who I am supposed to be.
I feel lost in the myriad of me’s dwelling inside my mind.
The countless trains racing through my mind
Each filled with passengers called thoughts and each about something else.
Such is the chaos inside my brain, chaos I don’t even understand.
Often I am well and can speak to you, I can even help you.
But other times the thoughts are eating me from the inside.
I am told I push people away, I don’t mean to and I am sorry
Every word I am told, every motion and every vibe I notice
Ever single reaction I see coming from a person, to me is a sign
A sign of rejection, a proof that I am worthless and that they will leave me.
The world I live in is lonely and ice cold, it is a struggle to make it through the day
Make a routine I am told; just try yoga some say or my favorite; just let it go
As much as I believe the kindness behind those words,
They cut deeper than a knife cuts through flesh.
Be in my head just an hour and you will see how pointless your words are to me.
Don’t you think I have tried? I am neither stupid nor a child.
The struggle is real and I wish I could put the past behind, but I can’t.
With every positive thought I have, there is a negative one.
A thought of doubt and a thought of criticism,
It reacts to everything I do with disappointment; it seems to hate everything I do.
I do everything wrong it says, I will fail because I don’t know anything it says.
I am ugly and stupid, no one loves me no one cares they are better off without me.
This it repeats every day of my life.
So many times I have asked myself why am I even alive
No matter how many people reassure me and tell me the opposite,
It’s about what I feel inside, it is about my thoughts, it’s about my life.
The life of a child that never got to be a child, that was never loved,
The story about a little girl without anyone to care for her and anywhere to call home.
If the people who are supposed to love you and care for you
Hurt you the most repeatedly year after year, tell you how stupid you are
Laugh at you when you cry, lock you outside in the snow.
Disrespect your privacy and your sexuality,
All you can do is lock yourself away, deep inside yourself.
Because the trust you once had will be gone.
The love you had will be behind thick walls of ice.
Hidden away so no one will hurt me anymore
Cut in little parts, spread all over the labyrinth of my being.
Years after years the walls get bigger and bigger
To a point that I don’t even know who I am or was anymore.
This labyrint protects from the big bad world. It keeps you safe.
Love doesn’t exist from that point on, it is equal to pain.
The thought of love will scare you and make you hide.
Trust would be a fairytale from the past that only exist in your imagination.
No matter how much you want to love and trust it will be impossible for you.
Until that one person comes along that opens the door to your wall.
That melts the ice with patience and kindness.
Proves to you that true love exists and that it is patient and kind.
That one person’s eyes you will never forget as long as you live.