Esoteric Online

On Will, Want and Fear

Today something prompted me to finally write a new blog post. I know it's been ages and it would make an entire post itself to explain why. However, as part of the fruit of the reason comes the following little article. I initially wrote this to a Rabbi in Jerusalem, who I consider a dear friend by now and who asked me to write this down. I should mention that I'm not Jewish, which made this quite a bit more special. We used to have frequent Skype sessions in which we shared our experiences on a wide range of topics from spirituality, religion to contemporary ideologies and more. I'd tell him my revelations and he'd consider what the Torah may have on it. But after my last big experience I might've stumbled across fundamentals, which somehow went a bit too deep down into the root of many of our customs. I'm not sure what effect it had, but ever since I wrote this to him our connection might've risen to a different level, one that doesn't manifest itself in the physical realm, hahaha, I mean, of course, we didn't have another Skype session since. However, I will soon write about my experience itself, but for now I will share with you some thoughts that came from this and have much greater relevance than the account.

To present this observation about another threefold aspect of the human condition, I would like to start by introducing the general axiom about the composition of existence again. Once familiar with this perspective on the logic of being, parts of the complexity we encounter at our level of existence become clearer, I believe. The world we live in appears very complicated due to its complexity, but the fundamental principles never change. Once they become part of our understanding and a device for our intuition to draw from, even the most convoluted phenomena unravel into much easier strings that form the web of our reality and how we are woven into it.


A continuous loop, for all intents and purposes, is a repetitive motion. Even if the path such a loop pursues is all but circular, it does not negate the validity of this observation; e.g., a loop that makes many smaller loops, like a filament of a light bulb, before it returns to its origin again is still a loop. And thus existence spirals itself into being with ever expanding complexity from dimension to dimension. A single loop does not immediately reveal said complexity or any dramatic change to a previous revolution. Only the sum of all minor loops- a completed dimension- begins to exhibit greater complexity. In the earliest dimensions nothing could exist or be observed, because these first three dimensions only build the matrix of that, which is to come subsequently; i.e., each dimension becomes the quantum for the next dimension. This whole matrix will have to be repeated as many times as are necessary to fulfill the composition of what is considered complete in the following dimension. Each revolution introduces a small change. It is the nature of the change itself that determines the substance a group of repetitions will represent in physical manifestation. As an analogy one may consider the color of light. A single impulse of light can only be labeled as such, if it had completed at least one partial wave. If you were to slice into such a wave to capture a single state, you could not tell whether it was light, or heat, or a radio signal, you could not tell anything about it, because you could not examine the rate of change the impulse travels with. Once a rate of change can be observed, you will recognize it as red, green, blue or whatever it may be. 

Because of that we cannot recognize the process or stages of this change itself, when we look at a stone, a crystal or even water. By the time our consciousness is tied to- what we call- our physical body, the complexity of observed existence is so vast that we can barely notice the changes that are happening to our already manifested cells within our own skin for periods of time that contain inexpressible amounts of loops within only one dimension before “ours” let alone the multitude of revolutions of that prior dimension which makes up a fraction of a second in time we could measure.

But we constantly interact subconsciously with the rate of change and patterns of motion that eventually lead to manifestation as our reality. We even control an area of this process. This area we call our body and with it we manipulate the area in which we move, when we pick up an object, consume another or even just utter word into the Æther. A thought, measured in our brains alone is that very same process, but does it truly originate there? We are conditioned to believe that everything is happening in the reality we perceive and don’t shy away from contriving that all relevancies can only be measured meaningfully within “our” dimension, “our” reality. Furthermore it is labeled as superstition or spiritual entertainment to recognize the origin of all, including our own “higher” self as subject beyond matter, outside of the time we measure. Yet, that is precisely where it all becomes. And as much as it takes universal amounts of perpetual changes until a single moment comes into existence within our realm, as many changes we witness subconsciously between each step. Until such time that we acknowledge a reality, the path towards it, that world before it, is but a blur for everything that still “moves” inside of “our” dimension, as far as we are able to recognize or a ready to acknowledge.

The harder the substance, the less it will be a blur in our “higher” sight- the unconscious experience within a prior dimension- and the more we can enjoy to look at it, because it moves with us, if we can hold it, or it will stand still, if it cannot be moved. If we can track it with our eyes, the substance itself will relax us. It can even be an anchor for our senses. This is why we enjoy diamonds as much or the remains of ancient castles, a massive mountain and even a very strong, old tree. I wonder if this is part of the reason for why we want to possess something we like, because it will move with us and provide less confusion. We seek anchorage. But that’s just another thought.

What does all of this have to do with Will, Want and Fear?

Will is formed long before our current manifestation. It is the origin of our impulse, the guide through many of the stages, the dimensions, through which existence has to go in order to form our reality. Its origin might even go all the way to the root of being.

Want and Fear are probably the main features of the dimension prior to ours and therefore a quantum of our completed reality. We perceive them like a response tied directly to the results of all the repetitions and represent rather a form of feedback. If you were ruled by wants and fears, your behavior would be animalistic, purely reactive and not controllable by will. The feedback would overrule the intent.

But to access our will we need clarity. The blur of motion in these rapid and perpetual changes of dimensions before “ours” obscures the “line of sight”, so to say. In part this is analogy as much as it is most likely literally so. Especially when we consider the means by which we can attain clarity, the power of stillness and the benefit of certain routines. If we can predict ourselves, we carry ourselves as like “a diamond” through our lives. We can become our own anchor. If we do not, if we rely on being reactive only, having want and fear dictate our moves, those moves rely on the blur of motions outside of our control. These are the people who seek possessions, riches, wealth, who come addicted to precious things or pleasant motions, if they can find them. Sloth, Gluttony, all those classic “sins” are really just the illness of allowing life to be dictated by fear and want.

There is a lot more to be explored on this “thought”. But ultimately the presented understanding itself provides us with a powerful tool to recognize reality for what it really is and how we can improve our own existence at this level. And with it we improve our existence on all levels.

I know this is a rather unusual treatise on all accounts and requires a good deal of focus and imagination to detach from the materialistic point of view we are accustomed to and recognize the concept of dimensions as I’m trying to present it here. Much like a hunch I sense that there’s but a single carrier that realizes the universe, a medium, whose motion makes all there is by way of its moving patterns. I believe that it feeds back into a kind of fluid space, which collects each feedback like ripples in the water, without resistance as we know it from our physical realm, those ripples are almost permanent reminders of all that is happening to the carrier. In some way one may imagine the creation of a vinyl record. Anyway, I don’t mean to get carried away now. But part of why I am mentioning this is, because I believe- what we consider- existence is only the impulse given into the infinite fluid space from which spawn all the universes. And every one of us contributes to that impulse. With everything we do, every single decision forms each new ripple. And- much like in a pond of water- we feel the old ripples, shaping our reality, informing our will. Think of an analogy to Will versus Fear and Want in regards to holding a glass of water as you walk around. Normally you have clear intent, a destination to where you want to walk with that glass in your hand. You would not spill it. Want and Fear inform you about the obstacles along the way and help you avoid them. If those two would rule you, though, you’d wonder around aimlessly, feeling attacked by standing walls. Anyone with intent may avoid you as you’d represent merely a moving obstacle, nothing to interact with beyond that.

What other thoughts and views can emerge from all this may shed light on subjects such as Out of Body Experiences, the nature of the "Astral Planes", what really are other dimensions and offer a chance to speculate beyond our level of completeness. But I will attempt to write about all this with the recount of my pivotal experience some months ago.

Love and Light to us all,


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Comment by Taron on July 11, 2013 at 1:45am

Bravo for writing on an iPad to begin with, haha! I don't think I could enjoy that either. 8}

I come to believe that spirit is a coarser divide, i.e. with a  rate of change lower than that of souls. That means that a number of souls would ultimately share the same spirit. Non of which defines the occupation of an individual, but it provides a tendency for the field of care and a sense of unity for those spiritual "siblings". Since nearly nothing in the cycles of universal mechanics has a sudden and hard cut, even the various different spirits encountered amongst beings gradually change from one to the other. Therefore, for example, when people find together, seemingly of the same spirit, they actually span across a certain range of the spiritual spectrum. It is imaginable, if we were to link up smoothly all the different spirits in the right order, like the colors of a rainbow, there would be less friction between the different views that come from the natures of each different spirit and we might just find answers that everyone could relate to, maybe, maybe.

Practically speaking, astrology may contain a detailed list of different spirits. But it's not just one wheel that reveals which part of the spirit a soul belongs to, like where the sun was at one's birth. Astrology offers a read of the universal procedures, similar to registers pulled at a pipe organ. It may show you what kind of sound you can expect and through it you could imagine the kind of song or which part of a song may be played, but the music you hear, you still have to hear to understand and experience.

However, an example might be to say that there's a spirit of care, a spirit of dare, a spirit of helping and a spirit of leading, of inventing and of preserving, of exploring and of analyzing, of preaching and of teaching, of pushing and of pulling, so to say. As I mentioned before, it's not a definition of an exact purpose, but of a general preference so that our adaptivity has all the freedom it needs to react to changing circumstances, while we still function as a whole and individually across the spectrum of spirits.

Our will informs us whether we are ready to deal with challenges that come with a chosen direction of ours, closer to our communal purpose. The closer we are to our true calling, the more ready we are to face the odds or even embrace them. This is not just work related, which our physical conditioning so often suggests. The True Purpose, however, is not an individual purpose to begin with, I'd say, since true purpose transcends temporary matters. In fact it is True Purpose that eventually should and will unite us again. Investigate our human capacity of understanding, the depth of our consciousness, and you may find that we should be able to eventually recognize our purpose beyond our function. We will recognize that this True Purpose expands beyond the human race itself and will reveal us to merely fulfill a  role as a whole species in a procedure that goes towards a universal completion, if only to finish one more revolution of a giant cycle. But exactly as everything else, we are vital to this process, only with the ever increasing responsibility over all that comes before us, i.e. life, substance, motion. I believe that is, too, what Genesis talks about when it comes to humans.

When I try to explain the layers of dimensions, one after the other, gradually evolving to achieve ever more complex tasks, I sometimes use the process of drawing as an example. If you put your pen onto the paper, the dot it makes would represent the original quantum, the loop, the zero of the Sanskrit numbers (our numbers). If you start drawing a line in one direction, it would be the first dimension. On a microscopic level you'd see essentially a row of repeated dots. Once you go off into a new direction it would represent the 2nd dimension, but only if you considered the paper a matrix, really. In this case, the whole paper would already be filled with repetitions of zeros, except they'd all represent white. Where you put your pen down you'd alter their state to be at a color. Anyway, if you drew a 2 dimensional figure across that matrix, the process would in many ways resemble a constant course correction of your hand. You would end a line where you wanted it to end and start a new line where you'd need that. And at the end of all this you would get the picture you had desired. We are basically part of one cosmic line, participating in the great painting of the divine, so to say. Whether we know it or not, we will be part of what determines when or where this line has to end. Just as the graphite of the pen reveals the present state of the drawing to the artist. This feedback of the graphite to the artist is also inspiring the artist. In some ways it appears to me as if we may also inspire the divine as to the state of things and how far they should continue to go. We will not be the judges, but we will contribute in that decision, made elsewhere.

But the graphite does not know, nor does the paper. Yet, if they did not what they were meant to do...but they do. Nobody asks the graphite to do anything else but to cling to the paper. So this one has it easy. Ask it to do something else and it will fail. I think it is a proper analogy to ourselves and our individual purpose, our nature catalyzed by our will. There is a greater margin of tolerance, of course, than that of the graphite, but each one of us has a certain area in which we function best. And function we must, lest we suffer or turn blind toward sense of purpose.

I'd love to go on to bash bash modern destruction of family, labeling traditional roles as lowly and demanding children to be raised by institutions, for both parents have to slave away on meaningless works and useless careers into illusions of accomplishments whilst destroying the fundamental reasons to accomplish anything. Which world can we take to a better place without filling it with better people? And- as I said earlier- we are not merely functioning machines, we are presently the most inspiring member of the universal becoming, simply for being conscious of things beyond our personal tasks. This consciousness is given to us so that we can adapt. Some spirit suggests to listen to other humans, who may know better. Other spirits believe to know better for themselves. Yet others believe to know better for all. The right teacher will help them to transform their belief into clarity. And this teacher, too, will have followed his or her purpose.

...but now I have to follow my present purpose and that is to create a piece of excitement for a themepark. 8)

Comment by Being on July 10, 2013 at 8:53pm
Will is necessary all along the Path. You mention Purpose. Please expand True Purpose which when aware of it becomes also primary value.
I cannot write on this iPad as I do on my desk computer. Please excuse my briefness.
Comment by Taron on July 10, 2013 at 12:05pm

Ah, so refreshing, Didi, thanks!  :o)

As if we were not torn already by self-evaluating ourselves based on societal perspectives, supposed or experienced, pulling us to the inside of spiritual journeys offers yet another set of perspectives to view ourselves. In actuality, though, all of this would merely be superficial, if all we did was anxiously expecting a reason for a favorable judgement about ourselves. If we were to claim appreciation for creation or shout from the mountain how much we were full of love, this, too, is less than secondary. We are not for the effect, but for the action. Faith does not judge the origin, be it favorable or otherwise. It is up to us to judge the situation around us in order to act based on the best of our abilities, directed by pure will and faith in its divine designation. We all were or even are angry at the world for one reason or another. Many of us may have wondered, whether our upbringing had wasted our potential at some point or that it was futile to continue in light of all the madness. But these troubles are not near our Will, they are the consequences of being pulled around by the pendulum I mentioned earlier between the lesser relevant categories of Want and Fear. The more we find our center again, calm down that pendulum, the more we can resume the path of our Spirit and the easier it gets to receive this candy we call our own appreciation of everything. We need not contrive this state of mind, but just focus on our essentials and we'll arrive there firmly and for the right reasons.

If by "grace" you mean forgiveness (as one way of putting it), yes, very much so. Forgiveness is a very, very generic word, of course, as is grace, because in some way it is also a kind of enabling or permission for ourselves to open up. Without having opened up, it is difficult or sometimes even impossible to even direct any effort. That's why I enjoy very much what you've written there. Spot on! 8)

Thanks again!

Comment by Taron on July 10, 2013 at 11:01am

Thanks, Didi, I should certainly have a closer look at yogic philosophy. On the surface it is often difficult for people to truly understand the purpose of "reconnecting", even that of "peace" or "bliss". Subconsciously being overwhelmed by the turbulence of life, especially as confusing as human civilization has made it, sends people to a place of refuge, rather than to a place of reorganizing their approach to maneuver through it all. I know very little about "Zen" outside of the few comforting lines such as "The universe is perfect right now", but alone That- once explored more deeply- inspires to investigate deeper into the philosophical reasoning to be found in Zen.

Listening to Allen Watts it often sounds a bit narcissistic or ego-centric, spinning around about how life was a dance and such. In reality we have every reason to recognize a purpose in all activities within all dimensions toward some becoming. That it is the multitude of us that is meant to act as a whole and so on... not "just a dance", not "perfect" to procrastinate, but "perfect" not to consider all that was as a failure, but to understand that we are where we are so that we go to where we will be and what ever shows to require optimization should experience optimization.

I'm very curious to read this book and I will take my time with it as I always do.

For example, I've been chewing into the Secret Doctrine for longer than it deserves, I believe, but there are many interesting observations inside, hidden beneath layers of anxious justifications and dubious speculations, hehe. In a way I've given up on it by now, even if I still finish it at some point.

However, reading books such as the Bible, the Torah and the Bhagavad-Gita, they give every reason to investigate again and again what's being said and offer layers upon layers one can pierce through with every new revelation and won't find them contradicted. What seems obscure is merely hidden behind the veil around us. They, in my opinion, are not meant to tailor our belief, but open us to an exploration into the substance of truth and guide us to learn from it at various degrees (I'm afraid, haha).

Comment by Taron on July 10, 2013 at 10:25am

No, Didi, you got it perfectly right! Through my revelation I have come to deeply understand what the Bhagavad-Gita teaches when it talks about what sounds like ambivalence to good and bad, when it says not to rejoice in achievement or be upset about failing. Both represent aspects of Want and Fear and do not represent the original will, the divine source reflected through our Self.  It does not teach not to rejoice, but to understand what to truly enjoy in order to consciously move positively, productively and even informed through existence.

I will write about my experience, which is a true and factual account first and following will be an interpretation or what I have understood through and from it.

It is such a complex appearing subject, that it is difficult to find one precise way of explaining it. Another image I still want to use is that of a pendulum. Anchored at our Will hangs this pendulum that through its swaying allows us to live. At the finest amplitude it is the beating of are heart, then- further out- it is the breathing rhythm and so on.

The swaying back and forth is between Want and Fear. What makes our heart beat? Is it the Fear that prompts the Want or is it the Want that engages the Fear?

When you hold your breath, do you resume breathing because you want to live, or because you're afraid to die?

You can continue this line of questioning all the way down to possessions, and ironically that's where it becomes relevant to us in our conditioned state of mind first.

However, the pendulum analogy is interesting, because it illustrates how a weight on the outta most aspects of Want and Fear impede the trajectory of our Will, the path of our Self. Once we understand where the weight should or can be stronger- closer to the center- we make it easier for our Self- our Will- to move forward into our originally intended direction.

I also propose that Will is absolutely rational, coming from a place that only knows purpose and relies only for orientation on the feedback given through our experiencing of life. Within Will there is a completely rational understanding of the power and nature of Love, not tied to any conditions. For us to attach consciously to this love merely means to consciously detach from the confusions that pull us around with this pendulum, but likewise accept and appreciate this pendulum for what it is.

Pure Will permeates many layers through which we have to spiral with all our parts in order to become alive. This Will, however, will stay with us after we leave a cycle of life and may very well be a or even the deciding factor for what any subsequent cycle of life will be like. I suppose that Will itself undergoes a certain evolution. Knowing is actually part of it, not attached to memory, but attached to understanding. Similar to how we recognize a screw of a completely different size or shape and know what it is for and what we may do with it. Just imagine only this understanding is left and we can't tell whether we had ever seen a screw. But this is drifting slightly off-topic right now.

Thank you very much, Didi, I'm very happy about your comment. I see such great wisdom and insight in Eastern observations, yet, it always takes time to develop a true understanding of what it describes. Every approach has to deal with this phenomenally giant challenge to free ourselves from the conditioning we necessarily experience when we get born into this stage of existence. We are also not meant to shake it all off, but to understand the purpose of it and reattach ourselves to the original purpose of our actions or why we are even given the chance for action to begin with. We don't really need an answer for it either, but we should be able to read our true spirit as clearly as possible in order to perform our actions with the least amount of distractions. We are meant to be adaptive as is all of life, but at the level of complexity we operate in it becomes ever so much greater a challenge not to be mislead by the need for adaptation into the trap of distraction. I guess that's when my "carrying a glass of water" analogy can come in handy.

Comment by Taron on July 10, 2013 at 5:24am

Thank you, Being! Even once a model of all this forms in your head and you get comfortable with the basic idea, it remains mind bending to ponder deeper into it. If I make a sketch- and I will- it could only be an inspiration at best to start thinking about the construct or rather procedure that is existence.

Once properly inspired, though, you begin to find great orientation. Things will begin to make sense that prior to that had been pure mystery. As mechanical is it may sound, you will come to recognize part of yourself that was quite obscured before. Only to know that Will has a different home than Want and Fear is a great starting point to investigate your sensations and decisions, for example. That this Will is closer to the origin of existence, formed potentially as criteria for the nature of your soul, when it was spawned from the original prototype, so to say; that it may even be "superior" to your ego; this can provide you with the faith and confidence you ought to have. Anything that feeds your wanting and thereby your fear or feeds your fear and thereby your wanting, anything of that kind, any information or suggestion of that kind will only eat away both faith and confidence and pull you away from your pure, peaceful and powerful Will. All that is rooted in materialism, possession, appearance and all that, all those things only relate to "our final/current" dimension, which we consider manifestation, where we believe we are born. But each dimension from the first to the 10th is a manifestation of a new completeness out of all that came before it and our common soul (Christ) manifested much earlier. From it our ego was pulled, chosen or formed by the spirit we are part of and given the will that is individual guidance, that is the understanding of the ego of how to function for the common soul, so to say. Consider the Tree of Life, because it may just be that each Sephirah describes a dimension in this process of universal becoming.

I wanted to make a diagram of the hierarchy of Want and Fear in terms of their importance for us to live, because it is them that make us live. The most central element outside of knowing want or fear would be the skeleton, carrier of will, not will itself. Pure will we mostly only know in death and before birth. Now, in life, we start with the vital want and fear and gradually go toward the confusing or even irrelevant aspects.

The heart in the center, each beat of it a result of want and fear; the lungs right around it, each breath; the stomach, each bite to eat; The muscles, each move; the skin, each touch; the clothing, protection; the embellishments, presentation; the possessions, purposed and- lastly- beyond purpose.

I'm sure this can be worked out in greater detail, with some more contemplation, but it's not about opinion, but about sensing truth that applies to all of us equally.

Comment by Being on July 10, 2013 at 12:23am

Welcome back Taron,

I always like to see that blog that you write. Right now  it's 1:15 AM and I am struggling to focus and this topic does need focus. So I will reread tomorrow  because your writings are always worthwhile in the search for true reality.

Fear and  want begone! (Not easy). Yes, write more and clarify.


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