Alright, after almost a year has passed I finally decided to write about my encounter, my experience with a glimpse of being dead. It'll be a dry report at first, just to describe what happened without any embellishments or interpretations. But I might add my take on it later on.
I dreamed being a middle aged man with a mustache (definitely not me now), probably somewhere around the 1950's or 60's judging by the furniture I saw and what I was wearing. I had a heart attack, falling under what appears to have been a kitchen table, or maybe my desk. I knew I was going to die now and I knew it was a dream, but as opposed to waking up I consciously decided to let it happen. I read about the Egyptian book of the dead some weeks before then and was curious about what might happen next, whether I would encounter questions that I'd have to answer and so on. Thus I died and slipped into sudden and total peace. The absence of fear, the absence of want, silence of all thoughts outside of what can only be described as pure will as I was bathing in this complete light. As if it was a light that had the whole spectrum, beyond bright, yet, shimmering maybe like a pearl in complete saturation, but white. It's difficult to describe. But there I was, not wondering about the light, not wondering about anything except that I realized that this was death. Time lost all relevance, but I also realized that I might actually die and that it would not be appropriate for me to let go of life just yet. It was not fear or desire that made me realize this. It was pure will, pure logic so to say. It also wasn't anybody else then myself, even while I did not feel alone. It didn't matter whether I was alone or not, really, but it was natural, for a lack of better description, to drift fully connected, fully kept in this complete spectrum of peace. But I decided to wake up, even as I knew that all the urges of life would rush back into my being, into my consciousness. I accepted that. I accepted the pain and the happiness, the work, the compromises, the burdens and the pleasures of life would have to matter once more.
And thus I awoke. And I wanted to think that this was just a dream, just a curious and beautiful dream. But there in front of my eyes was the light, lingering, as if I was staring into the sun, only that the sun would've been covering most of my sight. And the light was still in motion, the glimmering patterns of color within the white were living, acting somewhat frantically, but I would stare at them like a passenger looking outside a train window.
I heard the humming of a little water fountain we had for the cats coming from their room. Normally I would turn it off at night, but I left it on for some reason. Now I decided to get up and turn it off. I would accept the light that was still somewhat blinding me and made my way to the door of my room. When suddenly a cat would run through my legs towards the kitchen. I didn't think much of it, but it looked so fuzzy. I felt like it was going into various directions. Then another cat would do the same and I felt like there were now several cats and we only had two. Eventually the last one would rush through my legs and stop in front of me. I looked at it somewhat certain I knew who it was. And then she did just that, only seconds later, "Maedchen"(girl in German) went through my legs and stopped in front of me, exactly like I just already saw to exactly the place I saw and knew.
That jolted me a little for a second. But I ended up feeling joy and wonder. What just happened?
I then went on to do what I set out to do, turning off the fountain and pondering over what I just saw. The light now has faded mostly.
What I interpreted then was that I saw not several cats, but only Maedchen in the various possible outcomes of reality. This fuzzy blur of countless ways in which she could've moved played out in front of my eyes. I reckoned, I actually got a glimpse of the previous dimension, all the loops which were possible but didn't repeat enough to become relevant for the final dimension we are part of. It felt like I had a direct sight at a slice of how existence becomes complete before it is.
In the days and weeks after I kept analyzing the meaning, contemplating both my interpretation as well as just the pure, actual sensations. Immediately after I already recognize the true difference between will, independent from all else, above life in our physical reality and the want and fear that make it possible. I realized that each beat of the heart is driven by wanting and fearing. Each breath we take is the pumping of want and fear. Life is like a pendulum, vibrated by these sensations. The essential means to live are automatic to such an extend, that we normally don't recognize them as fear or want, as if it had nothing to do with it. The fear and want to do recognize is long ways away from all the steps that make our bodies function for the very same reason. You might think that wanting to buy something has nothing to do with a beat of your heart and that the fear of not being able to buy it would be any different from it as well. But those two notions are precisely the same only on a much less relevant level.
There is an order of relevancy to the swaying of the pendulum between wanting and fearing. First of all, essentially they are the same, or siblings, if you will. To realize that is a significant leap already. If you don't want the fear, you can release the want. If you don't need the "want" you can release the fear. Focus on the lower, deeper levels of this tension and I believe you begin to heal issues you might not even have been aware of. The more we are driven by the desires away from our core, the paranoia away from our core, the more our core begins to rebel. This core is our body. And we become sick. The worst sickness is that of the heart, because it shows that we've been worrying too strongly about things that have no relevance at all in reality, but we pretend it would have. The next less troublesome issue would be reflected in our lungs, our breathing. Next comes digestion, then probably sexuality, sight, smell, taste, touch, clothing and then we come upon the event horizon, so to say, between relevant want/fear tension and the beginning of the irrelevant. Maybe clothing itself is that even horizon. The beginning of vanity. Issues that have nothing to do with our actual physical life, our body, the vessel that houses our will and carries it into the physical dimension of the universe.
Our will is in the center of it all. It is the navigator, the true self. But the swaying of the pendulum only gives balance until said event horizon. The moment it sways beyond it, it manipulates the path of our will, potentially even taking over. Then fear and want will navigate your body and with it your self and the true you becomes a passenger of your confusion.
Another very fascinating observation was that of the cat, of course. What if we always "unconsciously" witness the whole of existence, the fluttering buzzing of possibilities, all the things that could've happened, did happen, but weren't viable to become "real" in our dimension. I realized that I personally loved the peaceful power of ancient structures, old ruins or fortresses, like the center of Split, the city I live in. Things might flutter about, but the sight of stones that couldn't be moved for over a thousand years and longer provide an anchor, something your eyes can rely upon. And you can find calm holding on to them in your field of view. An old tree, surrounded by the blur of countless things that might occur, but the tree still stands.
And I realized, we ourselves could do countless different things at any one moment. How can we remove ourselves from the blur. And I began to make conscious decisions for every move I made to isolate the possibility of me fluttering about, stealing my own focus. And then I began to understand meditation. Would we remove all thoughts to remove the various things that could make us do different things. I began to see the reason for routines, the ability to predict ones own motions and rely on the calm we can expect at some specific point in time. Even habits can be like that. Like the Jews, who pray or give thanks before taking a sip of any drink or eat their food.
What of the obsessive compulsive people, who might be overwhelmed by the confusing rush of countless variations that leave them powerless to decide what really should be done, so they fall into the trap of repeating what they're doing in this dimension, hoping to counter the clutter of motions before then.
What of the schizophrenic or the multiple personality disorders. What if somehow the relevancy of events in the former dimension is flipping back and forth between various types of decision making. They are just not focused on one way of being. But the world comes to consensus with one perfect version for each moment, the universe does, yet elements of it may stumble, even if ever so exceptional. And some of those disorders may shine a light on the fragility of the human mind in all of this.
However, I don't long for the peace, even though I truly appreciate it, but it made me appreciate the pain and happiness of life again, too. I know now why, or at least I believe to know now why it all has to be the way it is, if it is about being alive. And so I smile, in some ways, about every experience, feel like crying, when life calls for it, feel like being a child, when freedom asks me to, being mature, when I don't need to aspire it. When the time comes, I feel like I know what to expect, at least at the first gate...hmm... the pearly gate, I guess. That would make great sense to me now.
Love to you all, let fear and want do its thing within you, but drive your life with your will! Find a place of strength and calm to focus and see the world for what it is, even if it's just a few meters away from where you are. It is the same everywhere. It is nowhere alike, but you will know it. Tame yourself not to submit to others, but to submit to your own will. The closer you get to it, the more you will become part of all of us and know what to do or at least walk into the right direction. By the way, fear and want having nothing to do with what your purpose is! Those things help you to navigate through the confusing maze of being in a giant web of beings that all have their own set of challenges, but they don't dictate what you "will" do.