Esoteric Online

My name is Jim (Thaddeus Sterling is one of my writing heteronyms), and I was very happy to find this community. I'm a Libra on the cusp of Virgo (oct 22), and I'm 28 years old. I live in Denver, CO. 

Since I was quite young I've had an interest in the esoteric. The first significant experience I had was around age 12. I was asleep and had what I thought was a very vivid dream. I found myself in a double-wide trailer house, and watched a girl about my age cry against the front door. I explored the house a bit, and woke up feeling what I can only describe as 'vibrations'. The next day I went on my favorite chat room, and described the dream. A friend of mine who I had never met IRL started asking me detailed questions: what color were the walls? what was in the bathroom? what was on the bedside table of the bedroom I went to? I responded in detail and she told me that it was her house, and that she was the girl crying against the door. 

This lead me to 2 things. I trained myself to lucid dream, and through lucid dreaming I trained myself to astral project. I could never get all the way out of my body, though. I would try to 'roll' out of my body, which would work to an extent: I would rise up but I was always stuck at my feet.

After a while, I started having what is commonly referred to as 'night terrors', something I have come to believe was a projection of my psyche. Here is where it gets interesting (to me, anyway). I had never, at this point, read anything about aleister crowley, astrology, or anything esoteric besides the lucid dreaming and astral projection guides I found online. 

I'll skip the many precursor experiences of astral projection-like 'dreams' where I felt a presence and skip to the most important experience of my life. One night, I woke up, and felt a presence I had come to recognize instantly, pulling me out of my body. I was above my body by a foot or two and rising. Above me I saw Baphomet. At this time I did not know what Baphomet was or represented, and coming from a very fundamental christian upbringing, I didn't know what to make of it. I was terrified, and spent years resisting these 'episodes'. The presence, which I can only call Baphomet because I don't know what else to call it, would visit regularly for the next few years. I thought at times that I was insane, that perhaps I was posessed, and all manner of other fears. As I said I resisted all of this even though at that point I had already come to consider myself agnostic. 

I have studied the esoteric to some extent. Without considering myself a shaman and without taking very many precautions, without respecting entheogens I nevertheless tried many: psilocybin, amanita, LSA extractions from morning glory seeds, and so on. I always went into these experience with a careless respect. I had a lot of experiences that were profound and came to shape me. I was drawn to Aleister Crowley and thus discovered that what I had seen that night, hovering above my body, was Baphomet, and became even more afraid/resistant. I got rid of my small collection of esoteric books, mostly books by Crowley and tried to forget it. 

It's only been within the last year or so that I've come to embrace whatever it is inside me that has always attracted these experiences, and if I were to have another 'episode', I wouldn't fight it. On the contrary, I want to learn more and delve deeper into my psyche. 

I'm a writer and an artist, and I have joined this community so that I can seek out the true nature of these experiences, and pursue my magnum opus. 

I look forward to growing with this community, and I'm thankful that a place like this exists. 

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Hi Jim, 

It's great to add another amazing person to the forums and site overall. What I got out of your intro is that you have quite a bit of experience with higher vibrations. Mainly these vibrations are accessed through within (mind and heart) and can journey form there into the astral dimensions and so on. The tool that you have developed and practiced will serve you well once you know what to do with it and how to interpret what is going on. 

I think if you continue to look for eso/exoteric (inner/outer) knowledge then you will understand more about what you are toying with :) One of the best parts about your intro is that you seemed to have released the fear associated with these experiences. Once you have the understanding, you will be able to hone your tool of astral projection even sharper. Once you have complete knowledge that all is consciousness and thought and love, then all fear will be released. 

Cheers and welcome!

I used to see things all the time as a child but every time I told my parents what I was seeing they took me to the doctor and put me on drugs. LOL I eventually stopped telling them, and everyone else. Got tired of the "You're evil." or "You're crazy." so I just shut it down instinctively.

When I was in my 30s I found a forum for empaths and realized that I was empathic. Most of my depression and anxiety was empathic. Not all of it, but when I shield I feel much better. It is amazing how much crap homo sapiens carry around all the time. ew...animals are much better, and plants, but stones and crystals are the best...they have no negativity, unless a homosapien loads it up with the crap.

I still see things but I keep it to myself. I feel more than anything, which can be a blessing and a curse, but I have learned how to deal with it. Now to teach my daughter because it seems to be inherited and even though she is a Catholic she definitely believes in the empathy. I raised her to be open minded and for the most part she's a live and let live kind of gal. LOL which is good considering I'm not even Christian. lol

Wow, I can definitely relate to that! Except, when I told my Mom she always wanted to take me to the Pastor, ironically I would ask for a psychologist (although I'm glad she didn't take me and put me on drugs), lol. I have noticed a lot of my depression and anxiety stems from empathy too...learning to utilize it without anguish is a struggle but can be very rewarding it seems. Thank you for the reply!

That is amazing & thanks for sharing - have u ever read ug kirshnamurti - I've read Osho - Alan Watts - Robert Antone Williams - Juddi kirshnamurti - ug kirshnamurti bottom lined it for me - I am a writer & enjoy hearing these types of accounts - thx!


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