I hope this is the right place to post this. I'm struggling with this concept and have been for several years and finally am seeking advice.
Trigger Warning - manipulation, sexual assault, physical abuse.
Since my childhood I've been fascinated with the supernatural and paranormal. It's shaped who I am today, however I feel as though that belief may have gotten me into a dangerous situation. I've been with my husband for a decade and since the beginning, he's held firm that he's deeply connected to the demonic world. Naturally, being a teen very interested in the paranormal, there were no doubts in my mind.
** Before I continue I want to say that my husband is incredibly sweet, will do anything for me, and is nonviolent towards me on a normal basis. While he is sometimes financially irresponsible, he has literally given me the shirt off his back and supports me in pretty much whatever adventure I want to partake. He has his own interests and friends, I have mine, and we have some together. He encourages me to pursue my passions and has opened his heart to my interests and protecting them (wildlife, the dangers of litter and how recycling and proper disposal is imperative (beach cleanup really opened his eyes), the importance of our natural world, etc). **
As the years went by, his claim of his connection never waivered – neither did my belief. I witnessed first-hand incredibly unusual and often frightening incidents. He would have episodes (unsure of what else to call them) where his voice would change, his eyes would change, and his personality would radically change. During these episodes, there was often physical abuse (shoving, roughly grabbing), sexual abuse (a rape incident from years ago that has left me severely scarred), and mental abuse.
It truly appeared as though there were 2 beings inside of his body – the ‘darker one(s)’ would claim that the ‘normal’ side was trapped and would be killed and his body would be utilized to wreak havoc on the world. There would be struggles as though each side was literally fighting inside for dominance. There would be physical signs of this struggle left behind – scratches and bruises, vomiting - sometimes blood. Periodically when the darker side would appear, it would claim to be different beings (various names I don’t remember, except Belial). I would be threated, made to believe that he would be killed, offer my safety in exchange for carrying demonic spawn, among other things.
My husband says this started in childhood when he befriended someone who offered companionship and a solution to his problems. Throughout his life he’s claimed he’s seen demons and other supernatural being inside of people or using their body as a skin. He’s always said that he can have the power to ruin a lot of lives – all he has to do is say yes to their calls. It seems he knows tons about every paranormal and supernatural creature out there – very specific things I’ve never heard of until I research it. He knows of dark magickal practices (as well as lighter practices) and incredibly obscure things that, after research, seem to be true.
I’ll be the first to admit that strange things always seem to happen. For example, I’m 100% convinced one of my dogs had gotten possessed by something – he’s the gentlest soul and is a big teddy bear. One night I heard my husband call my name from the other side of the house. I walked down the hall and was blocked by my (large) dog who was standing in a very aggressive stance with a wild look in his eyes. He never blinked as he stared me down and took a step towards me, teeth bared. I immediately feared him. I’ve never been fearful of a dog before, but I am very convinced this was not my dog looking at me. I called for my husband, but he had been outside the entire time and never called my name. I don’t exactly remember what happened next, but my big fuzzy doggo boy was back to being my cuddle bug shortly after. Maybe there’s another logical reason for this, but this was in the middle of other weird things happening.
Changes in the atmosphere of the room/house, looming figures, the episodes my husband had, locked (literally with extra precautions taken) animal cages opening when no one is home setting predators and prey free, doors slamming open or closed in an empty room, things falling and breaking without explanation, etc. He’s said a few times I’ve had demons inside me, but I’m unsure how to feel about these claims since I never questioned anything when it happened. During these times I know my head would be in a dark place, I felt different, and I wasn’t completely in my right mind – often hearing voices urging me to do things - but is that demonic or mental? (ps – I am currently medicated for anxiety)
His immediate family is aware of his demonic claims. His father and brother think he’s a lunatic, but his mother believes him wholeheartedly and preaches Christianity to him, saying that Jesus will keep him safe. His mother has seen the physical changes in him just as I have and has been attacked and had mental games played as well – often with claims that her son is dead, her God can’t save him, he’s evil, etc. When I would reach out to her for help, she never questioned anything happening. She would tell the voice speaking things like she knows and loves her son, the darkness can’t take him, he isn’t what they’re saying he is, that love and light will protect him, and some things relating to her beliefs and religion. This is going to sound cliché, but it almost reminded me of the scene in The Exorcist where the priest(?) was arguing with the possessed little girl.
This mostly slowed down for the last couple of years with small occurrences happening, but not nearly as frequently as before. There has been no physical or sexual attacks. Until recently. A couple of days ago, I woke to the feeling of being watched (I had gone to bed several hours before him as I had work the next day). I cracked open my eyes and once I saw he was in the room, I shut them, assuming he was just coming to bed like normal. A minute or so later I heard him gasp and sat up to see him clutching his head backing away towards the door, sounding almost like he was about to cry. He was freaking out and it took a while, but I finally got him to tell me what was wrong - he was watching TV across the house then came to in our bedroom and saw his hands reaching for my throat. He did not sleep in bed with me that night, opting to sleep on the other side of the house, afraid of what had happened. I didn't quite process what he said until I asked about it the next morning and was actually awake (I had drowsy medication in my system, which I'm super sensitive to, so I was barely conscious).
Lately he’s felt what he almost describes as a calling. He says he knows he’s going to be sucked into the darkness and they’ll take over. He’s often having dreams of being helpless to save his friends or family until he hears voices offering him the power to save them. He describes, to me, what sounds like what I envision as the antichrist taking over if he allows them inside. He told me that if he sinks into it, he plans to put an end to his body so it won’t be able to be used. He called his mother to warn of the same thing, to which she actually accepted without a fight…
I truly do not know what to believe.
A part of me is saying there’s absolutely no way and he’s got to have a mental disorder. A god complex of sorts. A manipulative, narcissistic personality. He has been seeing a licensed professional on and off for the last year, but I'm unsure if any of these demonic claims have come up. He has not been medicated or admitted since seeing this person, so that's another thing leading to my confusion.
So here I am asking for guidance. For anyone who’s worked with the supernatural, does any of this sound legitimate? I feel as though my beliefs were preyed upon and I’ve been spun into a web of..well..crazy. I 100% believe in the supernatural and paranormal, however, I’m unsure if any of what I’ve been led to believe as truth is real or has been a massive manipulative plot.