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Disconnected. Perhaps that is the best word to describe how I feel.
During these very long years of my life I feel like I have already had enough. Spending almost half of my life under depression has toughened me and moulded me into a different person. The constant suffering I experience made me develop what can best be described as a coping mechanism. It is fundamentally very simple: it focuses in numbing all feelings; it erases the emotional connections with others and it ultimately paints a very cold and detached self-image.
These impressions, however, are accompanied by all the features of a depressive mind. Insecurity, very low self-esteem, hopelessness, seclusion. By now, I am so used to these feelings that they have become the new normal. But I still feel loneliness. Oh, sweet irony!
I would be glad if I could accept the fact that I will be alone for all my life. By now, I have already become too dysfunctional to even dream about having a "normal" life, and it would be better if I could simply accept it and move on. But my mind still insists in thinking that there might be some hope for a different future. Nonsense! There is no coming back, there is no scape either.
I should correct my early claim: not all the feelings are numbed by my dysfunctional mind. I can still feel hopelessness, despair, hatred for myself and confusion. But life will go on, and I might find peace of mind after all.
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